SQUINT easily and they could have been two X Factor contestants in the Overs category.
“We don’t know where we’re going on this journey, but we can’t lie about it,” they told Dermot O’Leary, sounding like every contestant in reality TV history.
And just like the X Factor champions, new EuroMillions winners Joe and Jess Thwaite have become overnight celebrities.
By forgoing their right to anonymity, this couple has become fair game to the wider British public. Money aside, your life will never be the same again.
On Thursday, the couple smiled winningly for the cameras, microphones sticking out of their smartly washed outfits – and Jess flicked a perfectly coiffed blow dryer, possibly from her own salon.
And they win big, raking in a whopping £184,262,899.
Dermot approached her gently during her opening press conference. The internet less.
“Some people can’t enjoy their wealth if they can’t rub it in people’s faces,” growled one digital Doberman.
“I’m irrationally angry that the lottery winners are a middle-aged couple who already have a huge house and their own horses, dogs, chickens and geckos,” scoffed another.
“I’m not sure I would go public to brag about obscene wealth while the whole country is struggling to buy basic necessities. Read the carpenters,” explained another. And so forth.
The couple seem exceedingly nice, and only a misanthropic socialist/Twitter user would resent their win.
But the knives are out. Then there are the begging letters.
The Gloucestershire couple who say they will swap their Hyundai hatchback for a fancier Skoda estate are besieged by THOUSANDS.
Dying children, sick pets and “relatives with inoperable cancers that require breakthrough treatment” are cited.
Poor Joe and Jess will probably read every single one because they seem like really decent people.
Simon Cowell once told me that he receives an “overwhelming number” of begging letters each month. The problem, he added, was that he never knew what cheating was and what wasn’t.
If Joe and Jess handed out the dosh to anyone who asked for it, they would be penniless within a year.
Which of course they could be, given past form.
According to the National Endowment for Financial Education, 70 percent of lottery winners are broke within a decade.
When people asked why on earth they were going public with their news, a statement from the National Lottery was quickly shuffled out.
“Advertising can give the winner peace of mind and help direct the spread of the fantastic news,” it said.
Jess and Joe Thwaite may think they’ve won the lottery of life, but I wouldn’t wish glory on my worst enemy.
KEN IS LIKE BORIS
Oh the humiliation. Kenneth Branagh, 61, is playing Boris Johnson, a whippersnapper aged 57, on upcoming TV series This England – and has gotten prosthetic cheeks for it.
Sir Ken also sports a bulbous, crooked nose, covered eyelids, and “heavy makeup” to — convincingly — morph into our PM. Rumors of a fat suit are unconfirmed.
It’s fair to assume Boris won’t tune in.
HERE we are, Britain 2022.
Before purchasing a gig ticket, the event website RA Tickets would like applicants to fill this out as a “required” field before proceeding. . .
Only 57-57!!!! – Options for what was once male or female in old money. Insanity.
(And probably a sad day for the excluded “two-ghost” community).
PROBE A FINE FIASCO
On Thursday, the left had declared a FEDERAL day of mourning.
Meanwhile, plates were smashed at Dominic Cummings.
Because after months of hysteria, fear and finger pointing, Scotland Yard concluded Boris Johnson would face no more Partygate fines.
At a time when the police need all their resources, £460,000 has been wasted. After all this excitement, a total of 126 fines totaling £50 were issued – making a grand total of . . . £6,300. That’s the equivalent of 210 Sir Keir Starmer Curry nights.
Since the investigation began in January, 276,837 crimes have been committed in the capital and the number is rising.
It took 12 police officers nearly four months to conclude that failing to touch his Colin The Caterpillar birthday cake at the nine-minute “party” was his only criminal offense.
Can we please continue?
TRIVIAL OF CONSPICIOUS EXPERIMENT
DAY 3,912 by Wagatha Christie and what have we learned?
A) This case should never have gone to trial.
B) Coleen can pull off “a moon boot along with a Gucci loafer.”
C) Rebekah has a mouth like a trucker.
D) The court painter who sketched Wayne Rooney and made the poor fellow look like a clumsy Russian hitman with Aunt Sally’s cheeks has portrayed Rose and Fred West, Harold Shipman and Jeffrey Archer in the past. Which explains a lot.
Unless the judge, Ms. Judge Karen Steyn – who is probably wondering how her career got here – doesn’t symbolically award the “winner” of this libel case £1 in damages, I’ll eat my (imaginary) hat.
NB. My money relies on David Sherborne – “the celebrity libel attorney” – for this year’s edition of Strictly.
PLOD IS TO PC BY HALF
A COP nicknamed his work-shy co-worker “Dolly Parton” because he only worked 9-5.
no Obviously not.
“Dolly” – aka PC Stephen Knox – didn’t find the A4 pictures of the singer taped to his desk funny at all – and sued for sexual harassment.
Back when a joke could be just that, office clutter got us through and distracted us from a relatively pressurized work environment.
I fondly remember an old boss, let’s call him Chris, who tied me to my chair, probably in an effort to get me to work.
Ripping the parcel tape off my upper lip hurt a bit – who needs Immac? But hey, it was fun. Kind of like a public schoolboy.
Of course, afterwards I should have complained about discrimination and never worked again.
WHILE Netflix cracks down on password sharing, Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries admits she allows her children and mother access to her account.
While I’m happy to let my parents run wild, I do draw the line when it comes to catching exes.
For months without me knowing, said ex happily stole my subscription. I only noticed it when my profile picture suddenly changed to that of a warthog.
Which was a slightly self-destructive move of passive aggression – which promptly led to a password change and denial of access.
Apparently, women benefit from daily hugs, men don’t, according to German researchers, who all sound like men.
As someone who shies away from all awkward social interactions — and once accidentally hugged Sharon Osbourne’s boobs when she wanted a kiss, me a hug — I disagree.
https://www.the-sun.com/news/5388426/euromillions-winners-lives-never-same-again/ The lives of the £184m Euromillions winners will never be the same again