FOR reasons that had to do with both light entertainment and science, Channel 4 pointed a thermal camera directly at Russell Kane’s testicles during a stand-up performance last night.
That’s not the first thing I’ve set my sights on her, that’s true.
But it was quite a sauna Russell had created down there, according to moderator Dr. Anand Patel, who told the hyperactive little dude, “Her scrotal peak temperature was 37.1, three degrees above ideal,” before adding the killer soundbit: “She’ll literally boil your balls.”
Which he literally wasn’t, unless I missed the best episode of Celebrity MasterChef ever.
However, stunts and exaggerations were a staple of Celebrity Save Our Sperm, a one-off C4 investigation sparked by the discovery that sperm counts have halved in the past 50 years and the alarming claim that if these patterns continue: “By the year 2045, any man in the western world could be infertile,” which is an hour and a half before the show even started.
Testicle Cooling Pads
Given Channel 4’s subject matter and celebrity obsession, the channel’s perfect response to this problem would have been to hire David Seaman and Dominic Cummings for the resulting investigation and challenge.
That said, I can’t really fault the instincts of the booker who hired Russell Kane, alleged “King of Radio 1” Melvin Odoom and Made In Chelsea’s Ollie Locke, who had a whole host of reasons to get involved.
Ollie and his partner are currently trying to have an IVF baby via a surrogate, Melvin is under a lot of pressure to have a grandchild and Russell is just trying to deal with the insecurities, which led him to admit, “I’ve tempered the aging process through.” taking vitamins and dietary supplements and rubbing in with minoxidil [hair restorer] into my scalp twice a day.”
Early in his showbiz career, he evidently softened it a lot more by shortening his actual age, 47, by five years, long accompanied by the immortal Wikipedia words, “citation needed.”
However, Russell’s sperm count doesn’t lie.
Tests revealed he was functionally infertile and ripe for the 10-week challenge of reversing the process through a series of lifestyle changes.
Russell has successfully cut back on caffeine, jacuzzis, and minoxidil, Ollie has quit smoking with equally positive results, and Melvin had to keep a couple of testicle ice packs in the fridge at Radio 1, which I imagine there were a lot worse in the 1970s walking through its doors.
Regardless of the subject, it was all fairly straight forward and grown up until about halfway through we met Libby Sheppard, who has been described as a “semen nutritionist” but probably didn’t appear on any dating profile , and must have lived a very sheltered life since she thought she had to teach a group of men that massaging their genitals was “fun and enjoyable.”
To do that, she needed a naked assistant, Laszlo, who threw his plums around so aggressively you could have sworn he was braiding challah bread at a bake-off audition.
It was too painful to look at, so I didn’t.
But I knew what was really going on here, and if you didn’t know, the naked skinny dip of 40 men at the end of the show should have told you. Channel 4 can’t help it.
As Naked Attraction, Naked Education, and Naked Alone And Racing To Get Home have all taught us of late, it’s so obsessed with nudity that it’ll use any worthy theme to achieve that goal.
It’s also funny to a point, I think, but it’s also very unwise as Channel 4 had its worst ratings ever in May, advertising revenue has plummeted and huge cuts are needed to keep the channel alive.
The right response to this crisis is to produce major TV shows like Evacuation, rather than looking for ways to indulge your worst instincts and go back to your most childish 1980s instincts.
However, it should be recognized that the development of programs like Celebrity Save Our Sperm has dire and very unamusing consequences, as Russell Kane pointed out when he said, “There’s a bit of an issue with male pride, because I has to occur.” on Channel 4 with a low sperm count, but I’ll probably end up doing a stand-up show about it.”
See? See what you did Channel 4? This isn’t public broadcasting, folks.
Danny’s burning turkey
YOU cannot understand how desperate Danny Dyer was to leave EastEnders until you have seen all four pathetic episodes of his first Australian drama on Channel 5.
It’s called “Heat,” but shouldn’t be confused with the Robert De Niro/Al Pacino film of the same name, certainly not from a script and acting standpoint, which was so wooden it could have started the outback brush fire that threatened to engulf the entire cast.
How Danny’s portrayal as cuckold Steve differed significantly from his role as Mick Carter, who also spent much of his time squinting and staring at the floor in blind rage, also remains unclear.
However, the longer “Heat” dragged on and the closer the fire drew, the more it sounded like “TV’s Mr Versatile” shared his personal fears and had nothing to do with Steve’s script or the inferno.
We’d already heard him ask, “Why does everything I touch turn to shit?” when he seemingly announced an abrupt career change in the second episode, exclaiming, “I’m going to get another job like this,” security guard, delivery driver . Whatever is necessary.”
And as long as it rules out another cheat series on Netflix, I think it’s probably for the best.
Unexpected jerks in the bottling area
The hunt: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “Which monarch was described by Charlotte Bronte as a ‘little, stocky, vivacious lady’?”
anthony Quinlan: “Queen Elizabeth the second.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shepherd “The acronym FWIW is used a lot in emails and messages and usually means ‘for what it is’. . .’?”
Ben Shepherd: “The medical acronym IVF stands for ‘in vitro’ what?” Charlie: “Venus.”
Bradley Walsh: “Who wrote an article on radium for the Encyclopedia Britannica with your daughter?”
Michelle Ackerley: “Andy Oliver.”
“Marie Curie.” (rpt)
Random irritations on TV
EASTENDERS’ Eve accused Jean Slater of being “very heteronormative” without the entire cast telling her to “go back to the Guardian”.
CeraVe’s moisturizer drove me nuts with its “Hey, it’s your dry skin” ads. Last Leg host Adam Hills tries to play the nice guy while feasting on George Osborne’s poison pen wedding email.
And the BBC has removed all white males from its roster of presenters for the Women’s World Cup, just as surely as white males have been removed from presenting duties at Wimbledon and white males will not be willing to pay the royalty if the beeb sees this woke prejudice for logically holds poisonous conclusion.
Great insights into TV sports
ANDREW lock: “Sometimes the words just fail. Absolutely great.”
Jules Bruch: “Let’s start with the first goal that made it 2-0.”
Kumar Sangakkara: “Ali didn’t look feisty as usual. He’s not usually lively anyway.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
THIS is a first. Aside from a few old comedy reruns (Dad’s Army and Only Fools) and Viaplay’s rerun of Scotland’s epic recent triumph in Norway (get in!), I haven’t seen anything worthy of the TV Gold label in the past seven days.
This has something to do with Wimbledon, of course, but also with the feeling that many lazy middle-class TV people are still working to a student schedule and believe that the whole country will follow the Inca trail to Machu-Bloody-Picchu from mid-June early September.
However, in my constant effort to look on the bright side, I really enjoyed Walford cameo appearances of Jasper, the EastEnders parrot, strutting through his cage and screeching, “Shut up, shut up, shut that.” Shut up,” and will if he can. Learn just one more phrase to not only make TV critics obsolete, but also likely get a chance to marry Sharon Watts.
AWESOME TV mysteries of the month: What the heck is brilliant actor Jason Watkins (above) doing on Cooking With The Stars?
Why didn’t any of the EastEnders-based West Ham fans celebrate the Europa Conference League win?
How come Channel 4’s Great Sex Experiment has a ‘talent manager’?
And what is the most annoying thing about TV? Does Tom Daley remind us that he likes to knit?
Or Owain Wyn Evans telling viewers he’s a drummer?
Neither. It was Phil and Holly exchanging private jokes on screen.
So let’s just be thankful that it will never happen again.
GREAT TV lies and delusions. Celebrity Googlebox, Martin Kemp: “I love a little bit of Steph’s Packed Lunch.”
Celebrity Save Our Sperm, Ollie Locke: “As someone who isn’t a toucher themselves. . .”
And Love Island, Whitney to Jess and Sammy: “I see you guys get married a lot and have kids. It’s like movie shit.”
Without the movie part.
Doppelganger of the week
THIS week’s winner is Wagner group psychopath Yevgeny Prigozhin, wearing a fake beard disguise, and racing expert John McCririck. Submitted by dozens of you, but Michelle Neal was the first.
Save Our Sperm celebrity Russell Kane on his low sperm count: ‘I’m scared because what if I could never have a child again?’
Relax Russ. We will make it.
lTV name of the week was Jonny Horne, sound engineer on Celebrity Save Our Sperm.