One day Harold the hand puppet will tell the truth about A Woman Talking B*****ks

WE ALL know in our hearts that Harold Markle is a slightly somber but fun-loving Chin who flew Apache gunships in Afghanistan and frolics with naked hookers in Las Vegas hotel rooms.

But then along came Meghan, who apparently used some lively bedroom promises to transform him into a warrior of awakening.

One day Harry will tell the truth about his wife Meghan Markle


One day Harry will tell the truth about his wife Meghan MarkleCredit: company

And now she seems to have her arm so high up on his bottom that she can change his facial expressions with her fingers.

I actually feel quite sorry for him because today he’s just a hand puppet with no more control over what he says or does than Basil Brush.

However, Meghan is a different story. I hate them.

Not that I hate Nicola Sturgeon or Rose West. I hate them on a cellular level.

I can’t sleep at night as I lie there grinding my teeth and dreaming of the day when she’ll be forced to parade naked through the streets of every city in Britain while the crowd chants ‘Shame!’ and throw clods of feces at them.

Everyone my age thinks the same way.

But what baffles me is that younger people, especially girls, think they’re pretty cool.

They believe she was a prisoner of Buckingham Palace, forced to talk only about embroidery and kittens.

That makes me even angrier. Can’t they see that everything that happens is so obviously planned in advance?

Leave the UK. Blame the royals. Do an interview with Oprah.

Get Basil Brush to write a book. Do a Netflix series – it should have been called A Woman, Talking Bollocks.

I can see it clearly The student pauses. The fake incredulity.

And the B-movie, soap opera, trembling voices, more sad than angry stories that are so obviously bullshit.

Do you really think she would have considered moving to New Zealand? That’s 13 hours from anything.

slaves and eunuchs

The spotlight of fame she so desperately craves would have been a 40-watt lightbulb and no one would have seen it.

nope She would always end up in California.

And I can tell you with absolute certainty what’s next.

Harold’s spare book appears.

Then she’ll do one called I Think I May Be God. And then she’ll have the whole royal thing exhausted – so here we go.

We’ll see Diana-style photos of her all alone in front of the Taj Mahal.

And then, on the back of a playboy’s superyacht, she’ll look off into the distance and marry a tech billionaire and they’ll have a kid named something snotty like Peace. Or truth.

Or love.

Harold, meanwhile, will be stuck in California with no friends either there or here, no family to support him, and an army of young girls who will believe Meghan’s story that the marriage’s failure was solely his fault because he Knows how you, sooooo a man.

And the royal family?

It will damage them – there is no doubt about it.

Because one day my generation will all be dead, and we’ll be replaced by a new bunch who’ll grow up believing that Charles and William and Co are thugs served hand and foot by slaves, eunuchs and beauticians.

Unless, of course, when Meghan takes her hand out of the auburn hand puppet, he remembers who he is and gives us “the” truth.

Not hers.


WE live in strange times.

The Conservative Party is fighting tooth and nail to open a new coal mine in the north of England and the Labor Party is fighting tooth and nail to stop it.

The Conservative Party wants to open a new coal mine in the north of England


The Conservative Party wants to open a new coal mine in the north of EnglandPhoto credit: West Cumbria Mining

I pray it opens Partly because I’m from Doncaster, so I’ve got coal in my blood – and a chimney – but mostly because Sir Starmer and his Labor Luvvies have to shut it down.

This will cause the miners to go on strike, which in turn will force Starmer to send an army of Met cops north to beat them in their wits with their batons.

Then he has to ban school children from drinking milk because cows harm the environment.

And then he might have to go to war against Argentina for stealing the World Cup. Unfortunately they will.

salute to the lesson of life

A play in which an actor dressed as Hitler stands in front of a swastika has been shown in schools for 25 years, showing how easy it is to manipulate the minds of a crowd by cleverly getting students to do the Nazi salute.

It’s critically acclaimed and clever and just what kids need to learn.

Kids need to learn about Nazism, will we ban Schindler's List next?


Kids need to learn about Nazism, will we ban Schindler’s List next?Credit: Alamy

But of course no more. Well, it’s “disgraceful” and makes people “sick”.

And a school that did it had to say they will make sure it never happens again.

Right. So you won’t examine Schindler’s list either? You won’t do anything to educate children about Nazism?

Instead, you just show them Bambi.

Until someone complains that it’s offensive to vegans.

Children go to school to learn. And they can’t do that unless you tell them things.

Some of these can very well be extreme.

I WAS sad to hear that Freddie Flintoff was injured while filming for some kind of car show on the BBC.

I of course wish him a full and speedy recovery but would like to point out that he jumps in a car and bombs around a distance in front of the cameras, same as going out at Lord’s and opening the batting for England.

If I did that, I’d be walking back 12 seconds later with a broken nose.


WE like to think that we are quite civilized as a country.

We do not void in public.

Most of us give up our seat on the bus or train when a pregnant woman needs it.

And news readers are warning people with epilepsy if the following article contains flash photography.

But I read this week that during the ambulance drivers’ strike, elderly people after a fall don’t get help until they’ve been “on the ground” for at least four hours.

This is barbaric.

So let’s show that, unlike the government and unions, we’re not – by promising to keep an eye on the neighbors over Christmas.

And we swear that if they fall, we’ll take them to the hospital ourselves.

FARMERS must stop using pesticides because insects feel pain, researchers say.

For real? So how come male mantids don’t try to run away when eaten by their partners during sex?

Stupid excuse

WHEN this week I read about a police officer who claimed she didn’t know her husband was a drug dealer, I laughed so hard my spleen popped out.

The husband in question was a shaved Albanian, covered in tattoos, wearing no socks, drinking from silver-plated mugs and driving around in a £70,000 Audi.

Sex and the City's Chris Noth wants to return to screens after scandal, says pal
Sister Wives' Meri was

Apparently she mistook him for a chef.

Yes, right, and Pablo Escobar was a gardener. One day Harold the hand puppet will tell the truth about A Woman Talking B*****ks


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