FOR a while I thought the NHS didn’t really work anymore but of course I could never say that out loud because the NHS is a god.
It would be like saying we’d had enough of Sir Attenborough or Baby Jesus.
Things came to a head in the pandemic.
I could see very well that the health systems in other countries were doing a much better job, but I still didn’t dare to say anything.
Not that you heard me over the noise made as people clapped and banged saucepans in the street and happily hung NHS rainbow flags in the window.
However, now it seems like everyone is coming to their senses. I hear criticism of the NHS all the time.
Free cradle-to-grave health care sounds wonderful. But everyone says we just can’t afford it anymore.
When the NHS started in 1948 we could afford it because all medical science had to offer was aspirin and patches.
Now, with the NHS, you can have your breasts enlarged, your penis cut off, and we have the ability to do heart, kidney and liver transplants.
There are currently more than 2,000 surgeries in the NHS, most of which cost a fortune.
Want bilateral cochlear implants to help your hearing? Well, that costs the taxpayer £37,904.
To make matters worse, a large government organization needs to be run by managers—and what managers like best is showing off. That means having a large team under you.
So you end up with “arts coordinators” and “carbon managers” and “car park environmental officers”.
And then you need a “diversity” officer who also wants a large team so they appear important when holding important biscuit-filled meetings about trans toilets.
As a result, the NHS now employs 1.7 million people. This makes it larger than the Indian Army.
And the cost is staggering. For every £1 you pay in tax, 40p is spent on the NHS. That leaves just 60p for the military, social services, police, streetlights and all the other damn stuff.
And I’m sorry but everyone across the country needs to save in these inflationary times, so why would the NHS soldier carry on anyway?
A badass new boss might help by asking if it really needs people deciding what art to put on hospital walls, but it really is time to start over.
Looking at the countries that have done better than us in the pandemic and copying their systems.
And which countries are these? Pretty good all.
Cute pets chase me for treats
AFTER dogs stopped being wolves and became family pets, they evolved facial muscles specifically designed to melt a person’s heart.
It’s something even Darwin didn’t see coming, but it makes sense.
When a wolf is hungry, he just catches a deer and eats it without having to move his face.
But a dog can only be fed by its owner, so it has evolved “fast-twitch fibers” that allow it to prick its ears and do puppy eyes when needed.
It works too, because as I sit here at the kitchen table, my two labradors have their cute faces on.
So, like it or not, I’ll have to surrender soon and give them a piece of my pork pie.
I can not help myself. It’s nature.
MOVE TO A LOSER
I COULDN’T make it to Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night to see Chelsea take on Real Madrid but I figured I’d catch the second leg in Spain.
So on Tuesday morning I face a nine hour queue to check in at Heathrow, followed by nine hours in the terminal where I am told the plane that was supposed to fly me to Madrid is still in Istanbul and has to party from Sweden to Los Angeles before it can invite me in at three in the morning.
And all to see a game that even the Chelsea manager says we can’t win.
Heated debate at home
This week a number of big companies, including the BBC and Tesco, have pledged to make their offices more menopause-friendly.
That hits a nerve as I share a house with Lisa, who’s in her, um, early 50’s. And that means it goes from way too hot to a little cold every three minutes.
Normally a house can cope with this. You just sit next to the radiator and turn it on and off endlessly.
But our house has underfloor heating controlled by a computer that even NASA would describe as “a bit complicated.”
That means it takes two days to change the temperature in a room.
We have to open and close windows instead, which means my heating bill for the last month has been around £17m.
CHANNEL IF I KNOW
WHEN the smell first hit my new kitchen, I blamed the dogs.
But it persisted, so I was forced to call a plumber, who found that a westerly wind was blowing odors meant to be vented out of a roof pipe back into the sinks.
He said he fixed it with duct tape, but in Thursday’s high winds I choked to realize his solution hadn’t worked.
I think this might be the first recorded incident in history where duct tape failed to solve a problem.
Russia on the run, says Vic
It is difficult to know exactly what is happening in Ukraine. One minute we’re told the Russians are losing and the next they’re deploying hypersonic missiles.
I get my updates from Victor, a Ukrainian who does the bees on my farm.
He has friends and family out there, and three weeks ago he asked for help raising money to buy armored security vehicles that could be used to ferry civilians behind Russian lines.
But he now says that because the Russians are really retreating, armor is less important and regular pick-up trucks will do.
This is encouraging news. Let’s hope they retreat all the way across the Kremlin lawn and through Putin’s back door.
There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth this week as the The Royal Navy has discovered someone has stolen £250,000 worth of diesel Fuel needed to power the mighty HMS Bulwark.
But I’m afraid something like this has been around for years.
Back in World War II, the Fairmile Type B – used in the daring raid on St Nazaire – was even fitted with a little brass tap on the fuel lines, so workers at the port could leisurely get some free fuel for themselves cars and motorcycles.
FORGET Ford and Vauxhall. The two best selling cars in the UK are now both Teslas.
Both use cobalt, a metal mined by child slaves in the Democratic Republic of Congo, in their batteries. And both are charged with electricity generated in part from Russian gas.
After all, the owners can now look forward to a life full of range anxiety and long waiting times at the mostly broken charging stations.
https://www.the-sun.com/news/5085848/nhs-doesnt-work-jeremy-clarkson/ NHS doesn’t really work – we can’t afford it anymore. It employs 1.7 million people and is larger than the Indian Army