It’s a beautiful, sunny day… but a level 3 health alert means you’re all going to die

In the midst of the pandemic, Cabinet Member Matt Hancock put his new girlfriend down for a few minutes and decided to start a thing called the UK Health Security Agency.

found office space. staff has been hired. Cookies were bought for the meetings.

Twin sisters enjoy the beach in Brighton as Britain bakes


Twin sisters enjoy the beach in Brighton as Britain bakesPhoto credit: David McHugh / Brighton Pictures

Trans-friendly toilets were built and then, after millions were spent, the pandemic sort of ceased to be a thing.

So now the Health Security Agency has to come up with new ways to justify its existence.

And this week it found one: The heat wave.

The weather was wonderful for you and me.

We could invite friends over for a BBQ, top up our tans, hit the pub for a few pints (Hawkstone) and, if we had a convertible, finally put the roof down.

However, the UK Health Security Agency took a different view.

They said the hot weather would almost certainly kill us all and immediately went to Defcon 4 by launching a “Level 3” heat health alert.

It was warned that many people would be so traumatized by the sun that they would attempt suicide.

The rest would almost certainly have a heart attack.

In a desperate attempt to keep us alive, they warned us not to drink too much alcohol as it would lead to dehydration, which would increase the risk of heat stroke.

They advised us to close our curtains, avoid exercise, and place a bowl of ice in front of a simple fan for some kind of rudimentary air conditioning.

The list of things to do went on and on and on.

We should check on our neighbors, wear loose-fitting clothing and, if we take the train, remember to take water with us.

To be honest, I’m distraught at how big the government has gotten.

Now thousands and thousands of people sit around in offices we paid for, eat cookies we bought, and do nothing but think of new ways to boss us around.

Councils are just as bad, with many this week warning residents not to cool off in rivers because of, oh I don’t know, sharks? crocodiles?

To be honest, I despair

And to make matters worse, the nanny state’s views are usually endorsed by Killjoy professors.

One, a climate scientist at Bristol University named Vikki Thompson, said the hot weather is affecting our mental health and causing car accidents.

No it does not.

Warm, sunny days make us happy, and when it’s wet, icy or windy, we’re far more likely to fall.

To cheer myself up in the face of all this nonsense, I spent most of the week posting pictures of the bright blue sky to Instagram.

To say goodbye to all my buddies who waded through all those sweaty bodies at the airport to get to their holiday villa in Spain.

Where the weather is exactly the same. Ha!

Bosses stuffed with days off at Ascot

ALL week the bosses and bosses of the nation have donned fancy costumes and headed to Ascot to watch people ride animals.

It’s not my thing, but standing around in the heat with a stupid hat on their head and trying not to look at Victoria Hervey’s boobs doesn’t hurt anyone, so that’s fine.

Victoria Hervey at Ascot this week


Victoria Hervey at Ascot this weekPhoto credit: Getty

However, what confuses me is how they find the time.

These people are supposed to run the businesses that keep Britain afloat.

But somehow they can take all Tuesday off to see who has the fastest pet.

And then all Wednesday off to get over the hangover.

No wonder the country is going bankrupt.

Tom is acting strange

SO, Hollywood’s nicest man, Tom Hanks, freaked out this week, telling fans who nearly blew his wife’s mind to “hold that shit back”.

Many will argue that these people were simply trying to take a picture of him or get him to autograph a Wilson ball.

Tom Hanks freaked out this week, telling fans who nearly knocked his wife over to fight back.


Tom Hanks freaked out this week, telling fans who nearly knocked his wife over to fight back.Credit: Alamy

But imagine what it’s like to live a life where this intrusion never stops.

Any time a famous person hits the shops, the bathroom, or even a loved one’s funeral, there’s always an army ready to pounce.

And you can never make it go away. Once you’re famous, that’s it. It’s like herpes – you have it for life.

That’s why well-known Hollywood actors are paid so well.

It’s not for the work they do. It’s for what the job does to them.

I have therefore sympathized with Mr. Hanks. . . to the point where he said today that he wouldn’t take his Oscar-winning role in the 1993 film “Philadelphia” because he was straight and his character was gay.

So Tom, does that mean you wouldn’t take the role of Jim Lovell on Apollo 13 today because he was an astronaut and you aren’t?

In fact, your entire career would have been a total non-starter if you applied those Philadelphia Rules.

Because you’re not a cargo ship captain, prison guard, airline pilot, WWII D-Day hero, simpleton, Fed-Ex rep, child in adult body, or small wooden toy either.

error & order

Swansea Police say the chances of encountering predatory behavior on local beaches this summer are ‘incredibly slim’.

But to be on the safe side, officers conducted a Baywatch and stripped down to their shorts and bathing suits so they could mingle with sunbathers.

Good job if you can get it.

Quite apart from that there have been 1,900 burglaries in Swansea in the last 12 months.

Mob’s sad state

Oh no! Historians have found that the Church of England made much of its vast fortune from a company that shipped slaves across the Atlantic.

Of course, the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby was quick to apologize.

Justin Welby was quick to apologize that the Church of England was making money from shipping slaves across the Atlantic


Justin Welby was quick to apologize that the Church of England was making money from shipping slaves across the AtlanticPhoto credit: Getty

But as we’ve seen over the past few years, that’s not enough to keep the cancel culture mob in check.

I wonder what they will do next.

Tear down a statue of Jesus. Probably.

And then, after spraying “racist” in his face, throw him in the river?

Racism not in the tent

LENNY HENRY says he’s always surprised at how few black faces are in the Glastonbury crowd.

What is she saying? That there’s some sort of screening and that organizer Michael Eavis is secretly sitting in his office at night sorting out applicants he thinks are black?

Revelers in Glastonbury covered in mud


Revelers in Glastonbury covered in mudCredit: Redferns

That seems unlikely, but maybe it’s because most black people don’t want to live in a muddy tent for three days while a public school jerk named Tarquin pisses them off.

Mogg in anger

BOXER Tyson Fury recently revealed he’s been a jerk abroad in the past.

“I’ve had a few beers and kicked a few cabs like we all do,” he said.

For real? We all do?

I’m sure I’ll see Jacob Rees-Mogg differently in the future. It’s a beautiful, sunny day… but a level 3 health alert means you’re all going to die


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