It wasn’t a great year. Let’s trash some things in 2022

My New Year’s Resolution for 2022 is to gratuitously insult someone at least once a day.

Hell, we’re not on this planet for long. You have to maximize your fun and enjoy life at its best.

2021 is not a great year but let's leave the bad for 2022


2021 is not a great year but let’s leave the bad for 2022

Also, to drink more alcohol and to mount the gears on my exercise bike.

Because it wasn’t the best year, again, was it?

If Covid doesn’t help you, gas money will. That or the hiss woke the madmen.

Or BoJo with his meager epic and the Cabinet of Apes and dingbats, Priti Patel and Liz Truss were legally excluded.

I don’t think people will look back on 2021 with misty eyes and nostalgia. Unless they fancy being confined for ten days in one of those grim airport quarantine hotels, they’ve just returned from winter break in Lanzarote.

Or get a weird kick while wearing a mask and panting on the fruit and veg aisle in Waitrose.

Hopefully 2022 will be a lot better.

I have to say, I don’t quite see it right now. Not with doctors shouting blue killer every time someone has a cold.

Nor with the cost of living rising faster than my blood pressure.

But we still have to hope. And if 2022 is an improvement on 2021 then here are a few things I fervently hope will work out.

These are my wishes for the coming year.

  1. SAGE scientists have replaced their model kits with Lego, or Meccano (if Meccano is still available). Just to keep them busy. The predictions for Omicron were beyond ridiculous. They want us to shut down the country because of a bad case of fools.
  2. Reduce the quarantine period for people with Omicron to five days or better, no days at all. The crisis in the NHS is not just a result of the virus but also of the measures we have taken to fight the virus.
  3. All schools remain open all year, no masks, no social distancing. The kids have had two bad years and it has to stop. They have very little risk from the original virus – and almost no risk from Omicron. Let them get on with their lives and studies.
  4. The government must immediately stop the destruction of the badger. And Government ministers will be sent to the fields to apologize, in person, to the bad guys. Subsequent culling is futile in stopping bovine tuberculosis – as well as being a meaningless waste to the lives of these charming and polite animals.
  5. The England cricket team was sacked and replaced with 11 plaster garden decorations. Includes a gambling otter, a gnome with a fishing rod and a heron with a trout in its beak. Then we can have a draw against Bangladesh.
  6. Organizations, advertisers and corporations are finally understanding that much of the country sees that as signaling an absurdity. Political identity divides and corrodes to be placed in a black plastic trash bag and then in the recycling bin of history. Collected on Thursday.
  7. The Conservative Party began operating as a conservative party. Boris Johnson to begin acting as a prime minister. Instead of being like a pig inflating its bladder on a stick. We don’t see Peppa Pig, parties, my mate contract as funny anymore, Johnson. And all of that was never terribly funny in the first place. You have accumulated credit by taking Brexit over the limit. And won great in 2019. But that credit has been dissipated and is now overdrafted. Either exclude yourself, you are albino, or resign. Not many of us want to wake up to David Lammy as Secretary of State. And those should be on a fun farm.
  8. All those lousy luvvie actors who made millions from JK Rowling’s work then apparently turned her down for new roles like elves or reindeer at Honest Bob’s Brilliant Winter Wonderland in Grimsby. There’s Radcliffe, Watson and Grint – I’m talking about you.
  9. Katie Price stops whining to the media every time she does something insane or stupid.
  10. All landowners, starting with the Department of Defense and the Church of England, forbid trail hunting on their property. If you still think those pink-jacketed psychopaths are simply following the trail and not chasing foxes, then you have a lichen’s IQ.
  11. The whole world must respect, completely and completely, Harry and Meghan’s request for privacy, so that we never have to hear from either of them again.
  12. Any student who becomes uncomfortable hearing a point of view that is different from his or her own will cease to be a student immediately. That is the point of education, you are wrong – hear many ideas. Not just to validate your own asinine world view.
  13. Anti-vaxxers suddenly see the light. Preferably before they are in intensive care and about to be repaired.
  14. Heinz will re-launch Toast Toppers, specifically mushrooms. I don’t care how many E’s it has, or how salty it tastes. Just bring it back, now.
  15. The government provides financial support to the poorest of us, who can’t stand the dizzying rise in energy prices. Furthermore, the Government issues bonds to help pay the debts we have accumulated as a result of the pandemic.
  16. Cristiano Ronaldo ends his brief stint at Manchester United. Rumor has it that he is looking for a way out. A free transfer to Millwall is the answer, man. Where Gary Rowett will likely play him as an auxiliary center half.
  17. Noel Gallagher brilliantly realized that he did not need to start a new political party. Noel has (rightly) left Labour. And say he can start a new party of his own. Come and join us in the Social Democratic Party, Noel. We are the only ones left who care about working men and women. By the way, membership is a good person.
  18. Britain recognized Taiwan and opened a full embassy there. Ukraine is invited to join Nato. That will make both China and Vladimir Putin think. Oh and let’s recognize the right of the Kurds to independence and Armenia’s right to parts of it marked by Azerbaijan. That would terrify the Turkish president, noted Recep Erdogan.
  19. French President Emmanuel Macron lost heavily in the April election. I don’t really care about anyone. Then he could sit alone, in the dark, seething with rage that we were eating up his money.
  20. The American public realizes that they made a really terrible mistake in electing Joe Biden. Even if the only alternative is crazy Trump. Looks like they’ve realized it, mind. Especially in cities where Democrats have decided they don’t need a police force. And so now it’s like Syria.

There are so many more things that I would love to happen in 2022, such as cats being forced to wear ankle tags like the ones intended for criminals.

And former Health Secretary Matt Hancock will be given a new job running a whelk stand in Sheerness.

But that will probably do for now.

Whatever happens in 2022, I hope you all make it through. And – who knows – maybe even enjoy yourself.

Charlie Brooker’s death to 2021 on Netflix jokes about Prince Phillip’s death It wasn’t a great year. Let’s trash some things in 2022


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