I turned climate change into a drinking game. Every time it comes up in a David Attenborough document, I have a beer

Remember how incredibly good David Attenborough’s nature documentaries used to be?

We saw amazing creatures doing amazing things, and then Dave climbed into a termite mound and explained in detail how this complex, billion-strong society worked. Before he rushed off to chat with a gorilla.

Remember how incredibly good David Attenborough's nature documentaries used to be?

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Remember how incredibly good David Attenborough’s nature documentaries used to be?Photo credit: BBC
Now Sir David just reads words written by a team of vegan communists with only one thing in mind. climate change

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Now Sir David just reads words written by a team of vegan communists with only one thing in mind. climate changeCredit: Rob Hollingworth for Colossus Productions/Sky 3D

He enjoyed learning things and we learned so much.

Unfortunately, those times are over.

Today Sir Attenborough is too old to act in the films and I’m afraid he doesn’t even write the screenplay anymore. He only reads words written by a team of vegan communists who have only one thing in mind. climate change.

I’ve seen Frozen Planet II and it’s a joke because we don’t learn anything at all. We see some dramatic footage of a polar bear and before we’re even told we’re warned that due to human activity and capitalism and Donald Trump, the poor bear’s habitat is disappearing.

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Then it goes to Asia, where we find a tiger in the snowy mountains.

Why is it up there? What drove it out of the jungle? No idea. All we’ve found out is that it will soon be wiped out thanks to global warming. Like the emperor penguins and walruses and baby seals.

Then we saw a large chunk of glacier fall into the sea and were told that global warming was to blame.

For real? So what happened before glaciers reached the ocean? They became unicorns?

Eventually, they found a pod of beluga whales swimming around in a tiny hole in the ice.

They could not reach open water because they would drown under the ice there.

So these creatures do indeed need global warming. But did Sir Dave’s communist backroom team mention it?

no They didn’t.

For the same reason, they’ll never tell you about the long-tailed tit, which thrives in Britain now that spring is so much warmer than it used to be.

It’s the same story all over the world – with wild boar and house cats and brown argus butterflies and rattlesnakes and trumpeter swans and squid and starfish. They all benefit from a warmer world.

But the producers that we see at the end of Frozen Planet, with their pigtails and their Glastonbury hats, don’t care at all about that message.

So they keep banging the “climate change is bad” gong.

When I first noticed this Stuck Record comment, I decided to get my own back. Every time they mentioned global warming, I turned my central heating up a notch.

But that’s really too expensive.

So I made a drinking game out of it. Every time climate change comes up, I have a beer.

This is the only way to make this half-hearted chatter bearable.

How could anyone abandon these poor puppies?

LIKE everyone in the country yesterday, I was mildly interested as I looked at footage of Florida washing away.

I was shocked and appalled to see this photo of these six chestnut Labrador puppies that had been abandoned in Kent

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I was shocked and appalled to see this photo of these six chestnut Labrador puppies that had been abandoned in KentPhoto credit: SWNS

He was then shocked and appalled to see the photo of these six chestnut Labrador puppies that had been abandoned in Kent.

I have two fox reds like this and I just can’t understand what was going through the mind of the man who threw them away.

In a box. On the edge of a busy road.

Barbarity aside, six such dogs must be worth at least £3,000.

GONE KITS UP

Being more of a country bumpkin these days, I was really looking forward to a trip to London this week.

I was supposed to have lunch with a friend, and then that evening was a boys’ night, which I hoped would be messy and interesting.

Unfortunately, when I left the house, I wasn’t feeling particularly well.

Fearing I might have Covid, I went to our medicine cabinet, grabbed a test kit and set off, thinking that if the symptoms got worse I’d stick a stick in my Schnozzer.

They did at lunch, so afterwards I went to my apartment, looked in my bag, and found that I had indeed brought a test kit for colon cancer.

So I missed the boys’ night.

Even if it turns out now that I don’t have Covid. Or some nasty tumor in my butt.

Wrong limit crawl

SOME Socialists ruled this week that the number of serious road injuries in Edinburgh has fallen by a third because the citywide speed limit has been lowered from 30 to 20mph.

Right. So it stands to reason that if you lower them from 20km/h to 10km/h they will fall again by a third.

But if that’s what they want – zero injuries – why not go all out and get it down to 1mph? Or 0 km/h?

This whole 20mph debate is nonsensical.

People have to move and accidents happen.

It’s always been like that.

Much more interesting is the news that in the UK as a whole, 30 per cent of all drivers and passengers who die in road accidents are not wearing a seat belt.

How is that possible? Every car I’ve driven in the last 20 years goes nuts if you don’t pull up your belt. Why are people ignoring the bat? And above all why?

The AA says a national seat belt campaign is needed. But it should be careful about who to lead. Because last time, a bright spark went out for Jimmy Savile.


SO Sir Starmer wants to set up a nationalized British energy company for Britons. Oh, exciting.

Will it be like British Rail and British Leyland?

Are we going back to the days when you could only buy a gas stove from the nationalized Gas Board and an electric stove from the nationalized Electricity Board?

Because those were great days. strike-free days. smooth days.

No wait, those were horrible days. Because no one in history has ever said, “This government-led operation is massive.”

I mean look at the NHS today. It’s just a huge cluster of buildings for health and safety officers to hold meetings. A UK energy company would be exactly the same.


This is cheek mate

The Norwegian Magnus Carlsen claims fraud

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The Norwegian Magnus Carlsen claims fraudPhoto credit: Reuters

THE world of chess was shaken to its core when various top players, including Norway’s Magnus Carlsen, accused each other of cheating.

Well, I know these guys are basically supercomputers with eyebrows – their brains burn 500 calories an hour during games – but I couldn’t understand how you could cheat at chess when you’re on a stage and in front of a live -Audience is watching bank of TV cameras.

Well, it turns out that people looking at camera feeds are asking computers to figure out the next move, and then using Morse code to transmit that information to a receiver hidden on the player’s body.

However, I figured there would be an easy fix for this.

Let the players compete naked.

But even that wouldn’t work because, according to Elon Musk, the receiver isn’t “on” the body. It is “in”.

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That will certainly make me pay attention next time we record Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

I always have an ear for suspect coughs and now I have to watch the candidate to see if he squirms in his seat and occasionally squints a bit.

https://www.the-sun.com/news/6342744/ive-turned-climate-change-into-drinking-game/ I turned climate change into a drinking game. Every time it comes up in a David Attenborough document, I have a beer

DevanCole

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