Watching Tony Adams dance with Katya Jones brings to mind nothing more elegant than watching Tony try to beat Marco van Basten at the 1988 European Championships.
Four left hooves wasn’t half that day.
It took the Düsseldorf fire brigade three days to unravel Tony after the Dutchman finished with him.
And it’s a similar story with Strictly Come Dancing.
Tony turns to grab Katya? She is not there.
He turns 180 degrees to correct himself? She’s gone again.
For the first week he did it in tango to the old Go West chant.
Week two, it was a Dustman Charleston from My Old Man that looked more like The BFG forgot to take his Inhibitors.
Neither left three of the judges much room for polite maneuvering, but another thing I like about Tony is the way Shirley Ballas always addresses him as she would to one of the ungulates at Whipsnade Zoo: “You have a nice long neck, don’t you?”
Of course, that affection isn’t reflected in the big guy’s grades.
He was the bottom of the jury with both dances.
However, I’d like to think Tony finds solace in knowing that he’s by far the best thing about this series of Strictly Come Dancing, which has around a million viewers as of 2021.
“Too awake” is the accusation that comes from elsewhere. A safe and easy claim to make about 99 per cent of the BBC’s production these days.
But I actually think it keeps them off the hook a bit as the broader truth about this year’s line-up is that it’s lazy, predictable and just plain rubbish.
It’s also so anonymous that, despite having watched TV for over ten hours a day in a (no chuckles, please) professional capacity for the past 22 years, I’ve really never seen Tyler West, Molly Rainford, or Hamza Yassin before.
Others I recognize, of course, but they either come with a shrug, like Will Mellor, James Bye, and Kaye Adams, or suggest they already have an unfair dance experience, like Fleur East, Kym Marsh, and Helen Skelton.
Mind you, I would have put Matt Goss in that category as well, until his Saturday night dengue routine confirmed he doesn’t have a shred of a hint of a rhythm in his body and uses the classic “hair-dye distraction.” Technique to take us away from the obvious conclusion.
You may be able to understand why some people have become fixated on the waking element, targeting Ellie Simmonds, who is partnered with Nikita Kuzmin, and Karen Hauer, who is in a same-sex partnership with HMS Jayde Adams, among others.
The one whose face seems to have lost out, however, is Giovanni Pernice, who looks horrified as he finds himself grappling with Richie Anderson’s Aardman animation character, whose ability to irritate is probably best gauged by how often he does it does flattered with the e-word.
Motsi: “You are the personification of energy.”
Giovanni: “I’ve never met anyone with so much energy.”
Shirley: “So fun, so energetic. Richie is a fireball. He’s also light on his feet.”
Indeed he is, Shirley. Very easy.
However, this intriguing culture clash between a straight Sicilian man and the BBC’s brightened values isn’t really enough to captivate me on a Saturday night.
Nor do I give the faintest hint of Fleckerls, box turns, heel steps, or any other elements that make up the sacred “dance journey” that some of the couples embark on.
Because as hard as it will be for the severely obsessed BBC to believe, there are those of us who just yearn to see it all go a little wrong because there’s nowhere else on TV to laugh.
That’s why I’m so blown away by Tony Adams, who rounded off Saturday in Charleston with a windmill lift that nearly landed Katya in Stoke Mandeville, and a question for Claudia Winkleman: “Was that bullshit?”
Technically, yes, Tony.
But in all the things that really matter, no, no, no.
Unexpected idiots in the packaging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The YouTube channel Big Jet TV is broadcasting live footage of the landing vehicles?”
Jacob: “Jet skis.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Equestrian Life is a magazine for riders and lovers of which animal?”
And Ben Shephard: “What 20th-century Soviet leader is often referred to as ‘Uncle Joe’?”
Darrel: “Joe Pasquale.”
Random TV irritations
THE damning irony that the Make Me Prime Minister candidates are told by Alastair Campbell, the architect of the Iraq war, that they have a “bad idea”.
Kenneth Branagh looks more like a henchman in an Ant & Dec hidden camera stunt than Boris Johnson in Sky Atlantic’s deeply disappointing This England drama.
BBC1’s Unbreakable wins the 2022 Monkey Tennis Award for its Bungee Jumping segment with Simon Weston.
And Have I Got News For You Hypocrite Ian Hislop berates hedge fund manager Crispin Odey, saying: “He’s talking the country down and taking the money.”
Unlike Britain’s great cheerleader Ian Hislop who never stops waving the flag and presumably does it all for nothing?
Beeb is a spoilsport
THE frontline in the BBC’s war on its own audience remains the once mighty A Question Of Sport, which regularly drew close to five million viewers when hosted by Sue Barker, Phil Tufnell and Matt Dawson.
A happy arrangement, but one that made it clearly too popular, old and white for the Beeb’s bright zealots, so they fired all the regulars, replaced Sue with the horribly miscast Paddy McGuinness, brought in Sam Quek and Ugo Monye as captains and changed that Format .
What happened next?
Several million viewers disappeared and by August there were only 750,000 hardened souls left.
A pathetically low number, but clearly it was still too much for the BBC cultists, so on Friday they aired an LGBTQ+ special “in celebration of the 50th athlete” as Dr. Ranj from This Morning and DJ Scott Mills.
Not something it has ever bothered to do for any other charity.
And they should probably be grateful to avoid the show’s attention, because Friday’s politically-driven move should successfully rid AQOS of its last few ideologically impure viewers (or anyone expecting just an innocent laugh) and put this once-loved show among the 500,000 mark, where it will likely have passed the point of no return.
Good job, idiots.
‘Nice little bag’
Meanwhile, one of the plastic surgeons explained on Labiaplasty Live: “The rest of the stuffing is a mix of wool fibers and all sorts of things, but I made a nice little pocket so I can put my growler in like that. ”
Actually, I’m telling a lie. It was an antique bear restorer at The Repair Shop but I wish her a speedy recovery.
Doppelganger of the week
THIS week’s winners are Richie Anderson and Sanjay from The Fairly Odd Parents. Submitted by Michele McGuire.
Image research: AMY READING
Great sporting insights
LEE HENDRIE: “The inevitable could happen today.”
Conor McNamara: “The phrase is about London buses arriving immediately. He scored and was gone like a train.” Sir Steve Clarke: “As always, it’s only one position where injuries are targeted and that’s defence. We also lost a couple of strikers.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
you are stolen
MAKE me prime minister. Eco-Loon Caroline Thomson-Smith: “I often tell the police I’m way too pretty to get arrested.”
Caroline. you are stolen
HONORABLE mentions for the fourth installment of Disney+ drama The Bear, Storyville’s One Day In Ukraine and Dolly Wells doing her brilliant best to save Inside Man from himself.
But the most intoxicating show on TV is BBC2’s flawed masterpiece Industry, which has overdone the City lingo of this series but is enhanced by the sublime young cast, helmed by Myha’la Herrold, spot-on cultural references and the best character names Page of ‘ Hello ‘Hello.
Pierpoint’s sexually adventurous French private wealth manager, Celeste Pacquet. What a performance.
delusions of the week
AWESOME TV lies and delusions of the week. BBC1 Continuity Announcer:
“If we really need something to smile about, he’s there. Romesh Ranganathan.”
DNA Journey, Kate Garraway: “Oh my god, this is just incredibly exciting.”
Strictly Come Dancing, Giovanni Pernice on Pairing Up with Richie Anderson: “I’m very sincere, really happy.”
He’s very sincere, really not.
ELSEWHEREITV has developed a deeply patronizing quiz called Sorry, I Didn’t Know aimed at showing the “racist herd” how little they understand black culture, history and geography.
For example, host Jimmy Akingbola: “What is Africa’s highest mountain?”
Verona Rose: “Mount Everest.”
Thanks ITV Knowledge is power.
BAD enough that I’ve watched BBC1 Celebrity Challenge Unbreakable twice and still can’t see a point or purpose.
Worse, Pimlico Plumbers boss Charlie Mullins never bought out a rival company so he could be revamped as Dynorod Stewart. But the fact that his adorable young girlfriend RaRa was asked to sing and Boney Ms Rasputin didn’t do it? Well, that’s just unforgivable, isn’t it?
https://www.the-sun.com/news/6385893/tony-adams-best-asset-strictly-come-dancing/ “Donkey” Tony Adams isn’t an ass – he’s boringly Strictly’s best asset